To my Dear Friends who are spread far and wide,
I jet set this weekend to sunny California to visit a good friend who is attending Master's college for one year. My heart speaks of home when I return to my native roots, and the warm air felt like an embrace.
My friend is learning a lot and there were many stimulating conversations. It caused me to think about beliefs and my need to further explore the intersection btw my artmaking and beliefs.
What are you girls thinking/reading/believing?
This friend also stated that if one reads for 20 mins a day, you will end up reading the equivalent of 18 books a year. I believe it was schoolhouse rock that wisely stated, knowledge is power (and if it wasn't them it would still fit with the many wise things they promoted). I recently spent
8 hours organizing all of my articles, essays, readings that i have from college. I arranged them by type (such as aesthetics, art history, surveys, etc) into two, 3 ring binders complete with tabs. Yes it was a neurotic undertaking, but I have recently decided to dive head first into continuing my education. For right now this will mean self directed study, but hopefully soon I will decide if grad school awaits.
So this post was written to check up on you all. We are busy little bees and I am curious as to what you are working towards.
love, lauren
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7 comments:
Lauren, and other ladies:
I am chugging a nasty coffee and have my next class in 5 mintues. BUT just so you know, this weekend I am sitting down and writing just that, respondng to Lauren´s questions, in written form (mail or email...I do not know!!!). Those things need to be expressed and known.
LOVE, Elly...running to class.
Lauren Face (and NESBIT),
Currently, on the the phone with my cat (and my fiancé'), this looks like me yelling "BOO BOO BEAR KITTY PANTS BABY OF BEAUTY AND INNOCUOUS, MOMMY LOVE KITTY BEAR" and so on into my phone as Kris who waits patiently on the other line, and my housemates in other parts of the house, listen on. Kris takes me off speaker phone and I continue to yell at my cat, Kris says good-night and I am left sitting my tiny popsicle of a room wondering why the hell is everything the way it is.
I just finished a power point presentation on the feminist position in contemporary art and am full of tasty food my roommate made.
What am I thinking: I'm not sure.
Reading: This week I am excited to start a biography of Louise Bourgeois. I just finished a bunch of Mike Kelley's writings and some feminist theory. I am reading a bunch of fun stuff for my contemporary art class, I can give you some titles if you are interested.
What am I believing: Even less sure, but this is typical for me is it not? Jen my friend, Aunt and old boss passed away a week or so ago. My reaction to her death surprised me a lot: as I found myself punching the interior of my car while crying and mumbling obscenities at God, I was surprised by how comfortable I felt doing this. 80% of my life I am pretty sure that if there is a God, he/she/it doesn't give a good damn about humanity; however, it seemed that in my mourning I am remembering a raw interaction between myself and a God character that happened at the DIA Beacon with Elly and Syd in 2008. It was a simple thing that happened really, but I am reminded of it again and again: when I am being completely me- 100% jamie- is when I am residing in the uncertainty of my creator. When I slip into thinking that I know, or knowing that I am right is when I am being inauthentic - less me. The best answer for what I am believing has to be: Universally, I'm not sure. Personally (currently...like, in this moment, this week, after Jen's death) God can go fuck himself.
Haha, clearly I am processing.
What are you thinking, reading, believing?
Hello all-
It has been good pretending to hear each of your voices as I read what you have written.....these are all good things that are happening-good in a developmental, making us stronger, more substantial people way...right?
As for thinking, reading, believing.....being single again makes me think of my future a lot more and I am trying not to worry about it....so, I try and focus on my school work and try not to yell at Illustrator/my computer so much.... Overall I think I am getting the hang of things and it is great to be back in crits again!
I am working on trying to get a grasp of what I believe and asking myself if I really, truly believe it. I am reading Mere Christianity for that purpose, as well as In Defense of Food, mainly because I have an intellectual crush on Michael Pollen. Also, just finished The Things They Carried which was EXCELLENT.
Sorry if this comment is fairly disjointed...but that is how I feel right now....I pretty much just wish time would pass more quickly so I can visit my family in Butternut and so I stop thinking about Jay so much. Breaking up is no fun....
But I hope you are all well-talk more soon.
For a second I seriously resisted a barf-response. But I'm pretty sure that if it were me on the other end I would rather get the full force vomit and go clean up later than the tidy, "I could have gathered that on my own" response.
Lauren, you make me wonder at the state of my brain. I'm not really reading anything right now. I am sort of halfway through Animal Vegetable Miracle. I've never been a great reader, especially next to you four, and my love of books is more theoretical. I think I really love the idea of books and I am always interested in hearing what someone is learning from reading a book, but I don't know where to start and I'm totally book-A.D.D. It's possible that the last two years made my relationship with books even more unclear. Living with John (who, when they packed to move, counted over 50 boxes of books!) showed me how someone can truly live for books. That guy reads like none other, he would rather buy books than eat food to live and his world is words. He knows his passion and he surrounds himself with it because he has no other choice.
A question then: what should/could I read? How can I activate my brain?
Elly, you always remind me that I desire some kind of routine and uniformity in my life. Your steady "hand" is comforting in a letter. I was talking to my sister about the way she and I are in terms of how we relate to other people. We decided that part of why we have such a hard time staying connected with friends through letters, phonecalls and physical hang-outs is that as kids when we were encouraged to go play, we didn't have an afterschool program, or a bunch of other siblings (or family for that matter), or any neighborhood kids to meet up with. We lived in the middle of nowhere, on a bunch of forest land. We entertained ourselves with nature and crafts. Hence: my love of nature, my propensity toward crafts, and my innability to reach out to people. Here's the catch, and the thing that gets me every time: I think about my friends ALL THE TIME. I just assume that they somehow "feel" my thoughts through some kind of "extra-sensory-friend-perception." But no, it is important to make a connection, to call, to email, to send a letter, to be personal in person. (Even if, in my case, you feel able to pick up right where you left off with almost anyone especially after years apart)
I became acutely aware of this trait when I recently drove home for my friend's wedding. I realized that the reason I felt like I was the only one left out of the loop was because, well, I was. There we were, all hanging out like nothing had changed. But I had no idea what was going on in their lives. Were my old grade school friends actually talking to each other on the phone on a regular basis? Wow. I guess so. People do that? Wow. I guess so. I could do that? Wow, I guess I will try. I can't feel left out if I'm not doing anything to be included.
Of course, as with any process, things don't change immediately. Hell no you aren't going to hear from me every day (thank goodness...? :) But I will try to respond with action where I normally let thoughts of friends begin and end in my brain.
Jamie, you overwhelmingly make me want to be 100% me. I hope you know that I have always felt that you are someone who is not concerned with trying to be someone you are not. Your honesty is like a shot of cortizone in the ass. It hurts like hell and you'll feel it tomorrow, but it helps.
I'm attracted to you because of the ways that you are so different from people. It takes a lot of practice, patience, thought, capitulation to let "real me" get a stronger hold than "almost me." Maybe this looks like trying not to say the right thing. Maybe it means being more honest, even if it's embarrassing. Maybe it means loving first, before letting my brain do all the talking. Being raw and uncertain is ok. I'm sorry about Jen. I wonder if I would punch things too. I've never been close to anyone I've known who has died. Is there something I might have to offer you?
Sydney, so driven. So I was reading your comment and I thought about how one of my coworkers recently said how much he HATES when people say "I know, right?" And I got a little defensive because occasionally I say that. But I could see his argument, that it doesn't make sense to say something with such certainty ("I know) and then follow it with a question ("right?"). But I think it's ok to put that question at the end of statements. I mean hell, we went through college with our professors telling us to answer with confidence if we think we know the answer. But how often do we actually know the answer? I think you are right to reason that "these are all good things that are happening-good in a developmental, making us stronger, more substantial people way." And it's comforting to know that you aren't positive of this, or that you hope to god that all this good and bad that we are going through will eventually spit us out as shiny, iridescent, multi-layered pearls.
I'm sorry that you broke up with Jay. I don't really know what that's like, so I have few words for you. But, read what my friend Greg wrote. I just read this today, and it stuck with me: "What would life be without feeling? Is there an ability to feel loss without first knowing love? Love of a person, love of a place, an idea... even the love of a word? And what about fear? Is there such a thing as courage or bravery? Is it a show or is it merely the ability to put your fear out front? Then there's peacefulness. Can one find peace without first having Anger? Conflict? Chaos? Without comparison, there is no extreme." I would give you a hug now.
Those are some of the things I am thinking. I live two blocks from the library now, so maybe you all can give me some recommendations for reading (I already see some here... yay!).
As for believing? My friend Ramón is the most fantastic questioner. He has helped me to see some things more clearly. These years have been about reconciling what I believe with how to live in light of that crazy Jesus. Being like Jesus SO does not come naturally. Who wants to be poor? Persecuted? Colossally misunderstood? Not me. I believe in being communal, sharing stuff, and being the church (not necessarily going to church). I'm learning to let go of religious guilt and embrace old traditions with my own arms. Lots of ideas, some action, little product. But still, going and becoming and writing the story. What's hard is that Ramón is out of the country for a year. And now my sister and brother-in-law are leaving for a year. I wonder if I rely on them too much.
Talk about disjointed! Lauren, gooood questions. And I feel that there is still so much to say. Perhaps, as Elly suggests, a more formal letter is in order. Perhaps.
I love you all. Really, love.
-Libby
"especially next to you four,"
" and my love of books is more theoretical. I think I really love the idea of books and I am always interested in hearing what someone is learning from reading a book, but I don't know where to start and I'm totally book-A.D.D."
I absolutely relate to this. I think the whole "starting a book and then getting distracted" is the story of everyone's life... ever... except for John. Grad school has had me reading so much so quickly that I am actually getting kind of good at it! So, there is hope. Right now I am reading bell hooks "Feminist Theory: from Margin to Center" so far it has been a great intro to feminist thought. It is a good read too; like Lucy Lippard to art theory, hooks writes to the everyday person rather than the art critic or theorist.
Yay for Greg and his thoughts.
Also Lib, I think you have a certain authenticity that you may or may not be aware of... there is this constant looking at oneself and questioning...this perpetual investigation of self is one of your strongest and most amiable qualities.
Sydney: I stole a book for you... you'll get it at New Years.
Lauren and Libby: Kris and I will be in San Diego I suggest strongly that you two be there as well. COME TO ME!!!!!!!!
Lauren: read the bell hooks book I was talking about I want your thoughts... actually everyone do that!
Everyone: the whitney biannual is coming up again, and I live pretty close to NYC...in a haunted house... sounds like a perfect nesbit reunion.
Elly................Love.
Disjointed indeed.
Okay, I am going to respond because, honestly, I suck at finishing letters in "due time".
Riccardo and I were having dinner last night in my small, warm kitchen and listening to Iron and Wine and suddenly my head drops, mid-conversation about a totally different topic, and I begin to weep. Little do you all know, I spent last autumn wandering Madrid listening to Iron and Wine and thinking of you. We changed the music.
Reading (easier to begin with): The diaries of Fernando Zòbel (this is for my internship but they are really interesting..painter, collecter museum iniciator), Plato´s Republic (kind of reading...) and The Bible. I am also a non-commited reader Libby, I am a great beginning but a poor finisher! I sometimes read the newspaper and have decided that I am more of an essay reader than a book/epic novel reader.
Thinking: About too many things for such a limited and rythmic schedule. Life, beliefs...which brings us to:
Believing: Wow. I thought I knew exactly what I believed but that God was too small to contain all that there is in this varied world. I am still going through a stretching period in which God is literally stretching me out and we are learning to re-define faith and Christianity ALL over again. this is difficult and with every step I freak out and wonder with which concept does one let go of Christ. I love the Lord and will continue to battle. My biggest struggle: consistency.
That said, I am tired, learning to find time to draw again and beginning to think about next year. I will not be spending more than this next year here in Spain (it is not the country for me, nor for Riccardo) and these long distance relationships, referring to you all, do not suffice.
Err...yes! New York in the spring? I could do that. Coffee time!
-Eleanor
PS: I posted home photos on my blog.
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